Every relationship has 3 stages:
The Honeymoon: or sweet month (moon)—that part of the relationship where everything she does is cute, her farts don’t stink, her hair is always perfect even though she wears pajamas like she just woke up. He is Prince Charming and has never failed to put you first.
The Disillusionment Stage: This is where the illusion of what you thought you were in relationship with disappears. She lets one rip that could choke a donkey! He has chinks in his armor. Turns out that he’s not Prince Charming. He’s just a normal human—and he forgot to open the door for you, or text you “good night sweetie-bear.” No, he was too busy playing video games with his friends to notice you pouting and giving him the silent treatment.
The Commitment Stage: this is where you decide to love this person and continue the relationship.
But in the disillusionment stage, you see the good and the bad. You see reality not just the ideal. The mirage is gone, leaving a real human in it’s place. And this is good, because no one can flex a muscle for eternity. Do you like what you see? If it’s unbearable, you may have hit a #dealbreaker
A deal breaker? MIKEY, YOU’RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO HAVE A DEAL BREAKER IF YOU’RE A CHRISTIAN—YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE THEM LIKE JESUS DID!!! YOU’RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE!!!!
Oh, honey…Jesus never said, “marry that psychopath rapist who beats you because you are the ONLY ONE who can rescue them from their depravity.” If you’re on a rescue mission with your dating…you may have God’s way of doing things WAY out of order.
A relationship (the intent of partnering with this person) is not a rescue mission. He’s not a puppy from PETSMART you are rescuing from being “put down.” He may be mangy, but that doesn’t make him your responsibility. In fact, there is a word for dating someone with intentions to change them: MANIPULATION—and it’s not fair to that person. A relationship isn’t FLIP THIS HOUSE. You’re not looking at a shabby person and saying, “I think he’s got potential.” You have to look at this person and say, “I’d enjoy being with this person just as they are,” without taking on the role of the Holy Spirit and trying to change them.
“But if I break up with him, he may fall away from God!” Sweetie, if he was with God because of you, He wasn’t with God.
“But I’m responsible!” Listen, we all come to the throne of judgment by ourselves. You and only you are the “Captain of your soul.” God isn’t going to ask your boyfriend, “Hey, where is so-in-so who was dating you? Oh, she gave up on you? Go on in.” Or, “Oh, she gave up on you…that was My only plan to get you into heaven. Well, sucks to suck!” Sometimes the only way they may actually start a relationship with God is if you get out of the way.
Let’s go to scripture: 2Co 6:14 says “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” Yoked is a term that we use wen we yoke oxen together to perform the same task together. The context in the Greek is: “fellow workers” This is anyone you are “linked” with; business partners, roommates, etc. This includes dating relationships.
So, #dealbreakers are good: they are there as a safety net, a failsafe.
From the sermon at Tupos last week (#relationshipgoals part 3 #restraint) found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgmTuWB35Gk, We discussed that before you’re ready to date, you need:
1. A silhouette of the type of person you won’t settle less for. A #dealbreaker happens when you, honestly, apart from the emotion you have with this person, look at whatever issue is between you, and you say, “could I spend the rest of my life with this action, behavior, attitude, or addiction for the rest my life?” If that answer is a NO, then you’ve found a #dealbreaker
2. “You have decided there are certain things you will not do to get this person, or stay with this person.” But maybe you start to notice that you are breaking number 2. You notice that you have changed in this way, and you’re doing things you had previously decided not to do…that may be a #dealbreaker
#dealbreakers are on a gradient scale. When you’re first attracted to someone, commitment should be VERY low. Girls! Stop naming the children before you’ve introduced yourself to that guy across the room!!! MEN! Just because she’s a super model doesn’t mean that she’s not a crazy, needy, hoarding, demon possessed, highlight from TLC’s My Strange Addiction!!! #dealbreaker Can i get a witness?!!
You need to have #dealbreakers in your relationships. And they need to be set on Godly standards, not whether or not she likes to go hunting with you, has nice legs, etc.
As you move on from attraction to dating, this person has earned a little more of your heart but there are still #dealbreakers. If he cheats on you, if he’s an alcoholic, if he’s violent…if he’s murdered someone, etc. but could also include, “he isn’t the man of God I thought he was.” He was #frontin. We get so #attached by this point that we won’t let go when we need to. This is how you get the beaten-woman-syndrome…Or a guy whose dating a Pterodactyl…and he’s the only one who doesn’t SEE IT! They say love is blind but the neighbors aren’t!
“This time is different though.” “He said he’d change for real this time.” Don’t go for that dollar menu double cheeseburger when God has a juicy steak just 20 minutes down the road for you!
As you move into engagement (you’re not married yet) there are still #dealbreaers in place. You weigh out every bit of dirty laundry, addictions, life patterns, unhealthy relationships that he or she has. Are they still communicating with ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends? Do they have a credit problem (like 15 maxed out credit cards)? Can they hold down a job? Do they go through roommates like they go through socks? How do they treat their parents? Is there an anger issue? Do their eyes glow red at night in the dark…
At this point you have to REALLY know who this person is. Tommy Nelson, dating and marriage guru, said that marriage is like putting a gun in the hands of your mate, putting the barrel to your temple, and their finger on the trigger, and trusting them not to pull that trigger…even in the heat of battle. “There is damage that person can do to your soul in that position that no demon in hell could ever do,” Tommy says. So it’s so important that the person you entrust with that ability has EXTREME honor.
When you move into marriage and say “I Do” there are VERY few #dealbreakers in God’s eyes, because this is a covenant relationship. By this time you should know the person, and should have been watching for these deal breakers all along. The problem is that most times we are too drunk with emotion during the honeymoon stage of the relationship to see those things. 1 Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded…” but we get drunk on emotion, or if we gave into sexual urges, we are so attached and not clear-minded that we can’t make a clear choice any better than a crack addict.
After marriage vows are spoken #dealbreakers do still exist
This doesn’t mean you jump on them immediately, but a deal breaker in marriage means you have “the right to break this covenant.” Contractually, you can break the covenant in God’s eyes any time one of the following happen, though context suggests that these are still seen as a last resort:
1. violence and the physical safety of you or your children. Separation is usually suggested and getting that person help. “SHE BEATS ME!” get that woman some help.
2. certain addictions that put you or your family in danger. Pedro from the Mexican Cartel is coming to collect on all the drugs your woman didn’t sell, and he’s got Banditos with AK47s. We sneeze and say, “#dealbreaker!”
3. infidelity which involves: physical affairs, emotional affairs, or pornographic affairs. Guys we need to get it out of our minds that porn is not an affair. If you’ve never thought of it that way, it just shows how deep this depravity has taken hold of you. You’ve devalued that REAL HUMAN BEING ON THAT SCREEN to just an OBJECT of your pleasure. She’s not a real person with a real family, thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, etc. You’ve, in essence, made her your sex slave. If you don’t believe me, just ask you wife or a woman who is married. She’ll tell you.
So #dealbreakers are necessary in relationships. It’s not your time to use them as manipulation tactics. “I’ll do anything…I’ll change…Just don’t leave me!” That’s not what it’s there for. They are inner thoughts between you and your Savior that help you to discern if this person is “The One,” because only one can be THE ONE in God’s design…Make sure it’s a good one.